billy bob and the trooper.

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey guy put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
 
LOL. Somehow I thought this was going in another direction. :rofl:
 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink,
I drop the cyanide capsule in
and sit here watching the poison dissolve knowing I only had 8 hrs left to live
and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
 
This story has it all... Puts Antiques Roadshow to shame

Indian Blanket - AUCTION
This man lost a leg and was having a hard time making ends meet while getting a modest disability check. He thought about selling an old Indian blanket that he inherited from his family. Watch the auction! This is a wonderful 'rags-to-riches' story!

Watch the man's face while the bidding starts to go up.

First Phase Chief's Blanket sets record at John Moran Auctioneers - YouTube = 3<br
 
The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.


Men
are still busy checking their %^#$&s.
 
New C5er said:
This story has it all... Puts Antiques Roadshow to shame

Indian Blanket - AUCTION
This man lost a leg and was having a hard time making ends meet while getting a modest disability check. He thought about selling an old Indian blanket that he inherited from his family. Watch the auction! This is a wonderful 'rags-to-riches' story!

Watch the man's face while the bidding starts to go up.

First Phase Chief's Blanket sets record at John Moran Auctioneers - YouTube = 3<br
Click to expand...

What a great story ...almost brought a tear to my eye.
 
Makes perfect sense...

GREAT EXPLANATION, JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU, THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy.I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your E-mail!"
 
Fifth Grade Assignment
Wouldn't this be great if it was taught in every school.
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look
At TV commercials and see if they could use them in 20 ways
To communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like.
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

God is like.
A FORD
He's got a better idea..

God is like.
COKE
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like.
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
TIDE
He gets the stains out others leave behind. ..

God is like.
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like.
WAL-MART
He has everything.

God is like.
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like..
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like.
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.
VO-5 Hair Spray; He holds through all kinds of weather

God is like.
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(this one is my favorite)

God is like,
The U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from
His appointed destination.


God is like.
Chevrolet. .. . .the heart beat of America

God is like
Maxwell House .....
Good to the very last drop

God is like
B o u n t y . . .. .
He is the quicker picker upper. . Can handle the tough jobs. ...
And He won't fall apart on you

BLESSINGS FROM
MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE Peace, Love and Prosperity to all!
God is like.
The Energizer Bunny He Keeps Going, Going, and Going
 
Your morning laughs!



1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???* AT&T fired President John

Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He

received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter

who's lacking intelligence.


2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:* Police in Oakland , CA spent

two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself

inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers

discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,

shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'


3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,

kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different

automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw

money from his own bank accounts.


4. *THE GETAWAY!!!* A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop

and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take

was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter

himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. *DID I SAY THAT???* Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a

robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not

what I said!'.


6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING???* A man spoke frantically into the

phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes

apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man

shouted, 'This is her husband!'


7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!!* In Modesto , CA , Steven

Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America

branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a

gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

(hellooooooo)!


8. *THE GRAND FINALE!!!* Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located

in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new

to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried,

they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very

sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they

applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into

a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what

was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect

working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and

down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of

the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up

choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


*NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.*

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
 
Check these door knobs out:


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64
charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made
a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me
she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned
the money again. I gave her the Money back... same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail!
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over
at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're
already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're
both free." She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the
door.


They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked
up at the sky and said, "Where"?


They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun
rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises
in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."


They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now,"
she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us,
and they Reproduce,
and Worst of all ......
they (also) VOTE.
 

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