Three young ladies we're in the maturity ward together ,one red head,one brunette and a blond .
The discussion turned to the sex of the babies .The red head said she was laying on her back when she conceived so she knew it would be a boy .The brunette said she was on top when she conceived so it would be a girl .The blond began to cry hysterically ,the other two ladies got her to stop long enough to ask what the problem was ---her reply was "I'm going to have a puppy "
a brunette received a bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend. she turned to her blonde friend and said " well, i suppose this means i'll have to lie on my back with my feet in the air " to which the blonde replied "oh !!! don't you have a vase ?
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather
and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with
the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie
aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile,
Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy
William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly
say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there, boy"
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes, stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the
grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to
the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and
no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The
little s**t's name is Kevin."
A husband takes his wife to a club.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time - break dancing, moon-walking , back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!
Lady: Do you drink?
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
This will warm your heart.........
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And
liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was
a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had
started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little
ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the
rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front
of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up
your a$$ you grouchy old bi#%h! "
why don't sharks eat lawyers ? - professional courtesy !!!
what do you call a lawyer that sleeps all the time ? - your honour !!!
what do you call a judge that sleeps all the time ? - senator !!!
drunk guy in a bar loudly proclaims " all lawyers are a..holes " drunk guy a few seats down says " i take offense to that " drunk guy #1 shouts " why, are you a lawyer ? " drunk guy #2 says " no, i'm an a..hole.
In my younger days and McDonald's first had drive up windows I'd order two mac's four cheeseburgers and two large fries and two sodas .Than I'd get out of line ,it would be 4 hours before they got straighten out .
An old,blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'