billy bob and the trooper.

I received this one this morning so I thought I would make a post to the Billy Bob thread.

The longer you have been married perhaps the funnier this become.


A elderly husband and wife were sitting watching TV, he firmly in control of the remote.

He kept flipping back and forth between the Fishing Channel and the Porn Channel

Finally the wife frustrated at this constant switching said "for gods sakes just leave Porn Channel on you already know how to fish"
 
THE WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."


The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.


The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
 
A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
 
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
 
A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
 
and the best one:


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
 
For friends of a certain age

Someone had to remind me,
so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

01.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you.

02.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first.

03.
No one expects you to run --
anywhere.

04.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 A M) and ask,
'Did I wake you?

05.
People no longer view you
as a hypochondriac.

06.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.

07.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.

08.
You can eat
supper at 4 PM .

09...
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of
speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along
with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get
much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate
meteorologists than the
national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your
friends because they can't
remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to a manageable size.

19.
You can't remember
who sent you this list.



AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER,
under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill, and
a laxative on the same night!
 
good ones al, and dammit they all ring true. i remember a gal that my dad used to clown around with at work. one day she jokingly said 'jerry, you're nothing but a dirty old man'. dad replied 'yes.....and i was a dirty young man too' ! :D
 
trying is the first step toward failure.

i'm an optimistic pessimist.....i know friggin' well it ain't gonna work !

soar with the eagles if ya like.....but weasels rarely get sucked into jet engines !

if life hands you lemons, you make lemonade - okay......what if life hands you dog poop ?

gawd i wish it was spring !!! :rofl:
 
Winter is dragging us all down -- Your Tim's meet was a good respite tho. We've got one at Mud Street next week. Will be nice to see the guys and gals again.

Hang in there, Doug.....spring isn't really that far off -- there is light at the end of the tunnel .................................... and it isn't a train.....:rofl:

C.
 
You know us only too well Al --- Good one. I believe someone posted that some weeks ago but it was just as good the second time around.

Cheers

C.
 
A groaner from our friend in Welland:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
...Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maītre d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."
 

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