billy bob and the trooper.

It's nice once we get there for sure and we laugh until our ribs hurt. It's just the flying time that spoils things. The folk we are visiting live in Belfast but we are going to be touring the south this time. Should be fun. I just need to learn to sleep sitting up flying.
 
Been a little busy offline lately but here's a funny I had to share:

_______________________















NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are
there?"

"Well," she explained,

"one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it
is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of
Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely
the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman
became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't
really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name.."


"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba."

:D
 
Driver's License -

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,'the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,

'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'
 
$5.37!

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?

A mere child!

Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.

Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,

and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,

like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now?

A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.

Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito,

only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,

and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle,

and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck,

and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.

He was holding up a drink and a bag.

His mother explained,

"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.

Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.

And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.

I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket.

I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.
 
Car Keys



Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down.



I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.



A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.



Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.



Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.



My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.



My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.



His theory is that the car will be stolen.



As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.



His theory was right.



The parking lot was empty.



I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.



Then I made the most difficult call of all,"Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."



There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.



"Are you kidding' me," he barked, "I dropped you off!!!"



Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."



He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."



Yep, it's the golden years................
 
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'
 
>>
>> Four old retired guys
>>
>>
>> Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona
>>
>> They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks
>> 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking,
>>
>> This is too good to be true.
>>
>> The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on
>> in
>> and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
>>
>> There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no
>> time
>> the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and
>> says,
>> "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
>>
>> The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
>> They
>> can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
>> martinis,
>> and order another round.
>>
>> Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
>> saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their
>> curiosity gets the better of them.
>>
>> They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
>>
>> Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
>> these for a dime apiece?"
>>
>> "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
>> wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for
>> $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime.
>> Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
>>
>> "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
>>
>> As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
>> other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of
>> them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
>>
>> Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
>> bartender, "What's with them?"
>>
>> The bartender says, "They're retired people from Canada, they're waiting
>> for
>> Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
>
 
Al's a keeper for sure Stephane.......:D

Here's one I came across today. Hits home for me, someday it'll hit home for all you guys:
Enjoy:

------------




Our NEW plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four Politicians!!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need new glasses? No problem. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It
 

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