billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
Always learning new stuff!
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
I know a few people that need that nerve cut. hahaha. My wife would say I have one nerve connected to something else! 
Always learning new stuff!
Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
Connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
i once tried to improve my sh**y outlook with a monocle for my bum.....didn't work.
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' ..
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' ..
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'
True Story:
So a bunch of my family are in a restaurant last night celebrating my dads 79th birthday. Mom invites everyone back to the farm for cake and coffee and reminds everyone that they go to bed about 9:30 (ya). I say to mom well it is after all kinda a special night and I ask dad if he took his viagra. Quick as a whip, holding his arm up in the muscle position he replies, "I won't be needing it!!"
So a bunch of my family are in a restaurant last night celebrating my dads 79th birthday. Mom invites everyone back to the farm for cake and coffee and reminds everyone that they go to bed about 9:30 (ya). I say to mom well it is after all kinda a special night and I ask dad if he took his viagra. Quick as a whip, holding his arm up in the muscle position he replies, "I won't be needing it!!"
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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles that you realize not all problems are solved with violence.
Have a great day.
Have a great day.
Snow on the Dad's roof, but still lots of fire in his furnace.
Shake his hand for us and tell him to keep up the good work.
C.
Anyone remember Phyllis Diller?
Enjoy,
Colin.
--------------------------------------------------
The Wit of Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
C.
Enjoy,
Colin.
--------------------------------------------------
The Wit of Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
C.
Hahaha. Great Story SB. rofl:
Thanks for the lalughs Colin. Good day to need a laugh with all this shat weather.
Thanks for the lalughs Colin. Good day to need a laugh with all this shat weather.
Here Riley. this will get you rolling in the aisle.....The best one is the last one, and apparently for real:
THOMAS COOK VACATIONS
THOMAS COOK VACATIONS
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I feel so sorry for the guy on the topless beech when all he wanted was to relax. Poor soul or naive wife.
Too bad Riley has not started or suggested a Thread for Chat, does not have to be "live",rather just as in add any comment you want and then have continuating coments henceforth with. Let the mighty Bards begin. It's 5.13 AM here and still awake.Don't really think I hijacked this thread in any manner methinks. Good morning Ontario...............And you Colin.
Bob Hope........
ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
Downhill.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
Anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
Stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality
Give me a sense of humour;
Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And to the person receiving this
The grace to pass it on to others..
ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
Downhill.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel
Anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
Stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a
technicality
Give me a sense of humour;
Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And to the person receiving this
The grace to pass it on to others..
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