No worries Al .. we all enjoy your posts. New threads are fine to so don't be shy.
C.
billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
No worries Al .. we all enjoy your posts. New threads are fine to so don't be shy.
C.
HOW TO LIVE A LONG LIFE
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter
that if she wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder
on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously
until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children,
30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren,
and a 40-foot hole
where the crematorium used to be.
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter
that if she wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder
on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously
until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children,
30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren,
and a 40-foot hole
where the crematorium used to be.
Hand Gestures
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From:
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California. With gun in lap: L.A.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming
around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
road: Texas country male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush,
and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the
accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of
pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their
own or another's car: Colorado
- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye
out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick
up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
- Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is
now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left
blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as
"no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?)
- Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in
the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn:
New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely
state can attest)
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From:
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California. With gun in lap: L.A.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned
to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming
around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
road: Texas country male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush,
and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the
accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of
pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their
own or another's car: Colorado
- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand
waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye
out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick
up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
- Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is
now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left
blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as
"no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?)
- Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in
the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn:
New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely
state can attest)
From our friend on the 'wet coast' -- (thanks Rob) 
:
A Country preacher
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choose a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Jack Daniels
And a Playboy magazine.
I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'
:A Country preacher
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choose a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Jack Daniels
And a Playboy magazine.
I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'
- Thread starter
- #346
jeez al, is that ever wild 
good one.
good one.
How the hell do they do that ??/
From our friend Pappajoe in BC:
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Just love, love that one from Papajoe. What a laugh, Thanks.
Hahaha! Oh, parents!
Lol, I'm still laughing over this one>
Thanks Steamer.
-----------------
The pharmacist
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
Thanks Steamer.
-----------------
The pharmacist
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
A Jewish guy walks into a high end restaurant in Dallas and it is full. He is about to leave when two Texans with an empty seat at their table invited him to eat with them. They immediately started telling him about their big 30,000 acre ranches and all the thousands of cattle they had. He listened quietly. When the Texans were done, one of them asked him if he had any land. He replied that he only had 300 acres. They asked him if he had any cattle and he answered that he had none. Did he grow any crops. Again, none. Then they asked him where his land was. DOWN TOWN DALLAS was the reply.
- Thread starter
- #354
a truckload of viagara was hi-jacked.......police suspect the work of hardened criminals.
keep 'em comin' -- I'm in a laughing mood....
C.
C.
Did you hear about the ram that ran right off a cliff........He didn't see the ewe turn.......Just a little Omemee humour.
- Thread starter
- #357
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
:agree:
:agree:
Here is something special for you ,
a virtual tour of the Smithsonian Museum room by room.
It's really something with a 360 degree viewing by using your cursor.
You easily spend days/weeks looking at everything.
To save this page create a shortcut on your desktop
Follow the blue arrows on the floor to move into new rooms.
Shows inside and outside of the museum and there little cameras here and there which show detailed info on certain things.
If you click on the floors (upper right corner) you get a floor plan of that floor and you can click on a blue circle and go directly to that room.
Watch it in full screen when you open this up.
Use the roller on your mouse to move in and out.
Look for the "arrows" on the floor and click on them.
They take you to other places.
NMNH - Virtual Tour - private
a virtual tour of the Smithsonian Museum room by room.
It's really something with a 360 degree viewing by using your cursor.
You easily spend days/weeks looking at everything.
To save this page create a shortcut on your desktop
Follow the blue arrows on the floor to move into new rooms.
Shows inside and outside of the museum and there little cameras here and there which show detailed info on certain things.
If you click on the floors (upper right corner) you get a floor plan of that floor and you can click on a blue circle and go directly to that room.
Watch it in full screen when you open this up.
Use the roller on your mouse to move in and out.
Look for the "arrows" on the floor and click on them.
They take you to other places.
NMNH - Virtual Tour - private
Great effects there Al -- Thanks for the tour.
Good find.
C.
Good find.
C.