billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,but the
man just shrugs,"That's about average up our way, folks... like I
said, my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he
was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has
just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,but the
man just shrugs,"That's about average up our way, folks... like I
said, my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh
now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he
was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
Please note I did a little bit of editing to make it more amenable to CCF.
An Irish daughter, gone for five years, comes home for New Year's Eve.
Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new yellow Corvette ZR1 convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Day on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old man a hug."
An Irish daughter, gone for five years, comes home for New Year's Eve.
Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new yellow Corvette ZR1 convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Day on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old man a hug."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!”
“What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look.
“The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again.”
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and
Finding a nurses outfit, a French maid’s outfit
And a police woman’s outfit he finally decided..
If she can’t hold down a job she’s not for him!
But after looking through her knicker drawer and
Finding a nurses outfit, a French maid’s outfit
And a police woman’s outfit he finally decided..
If she can’t hold down a job she’s not for him!
Due to the dire water shortage in Ireland, the Dublin town pool
management has announced that they’re closing lanes 7 and 8.
management has announced that they’re closing lanes 7 and 8.
Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple,
'That will be €39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on the screen, it says:
‘Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it: €39.00.'
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple,
'That will be €39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on the screen, it says:
‘Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it: €39.00.'
Shipwrecked Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself... "It's certainly not a ship."?? And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.??
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.?? Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!??
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar???
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.??
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"??
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.??
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."??
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"?? Stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"??
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"??
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!?? Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself... "It's certainly not a ship."?? And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.??
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.?? Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!??
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar???
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.??
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"??
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.??
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."??
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"?? Stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"??
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"??
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!?? Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network at least 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network at least 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."
Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
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