- Aug 30, 2014
- 15,640
- 22,142
billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
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- Aug 30, 2014
- 15,640
- 22,142
Have to credit Peter Watson for this as his post regarding the throttle body cleaning offer from his dealer reminded me of this clip.... just posted for a laugh is all
World Cup Excitement..made me laugh
Yes Murray this drama is on non stop here. Between the Brits and locals onboard it’s a constant barrage of cheering and yelling at each other.
England beat Panama 6-1 last night so it was insane here.
Yes they do like to flop around over the slightest touch looking for that penalty kick. It’s hilarious.
- Aug 30, 2014
- 15,640
- 22,142
New C5er
Power User
My Dear husband:
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good
wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the
last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
Last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your TV
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!
Reply:
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
and I have been married for 20 years, although a good Woman is a far
cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
& bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more. I DID notice when you
got a new hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look
just like a boy!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten
prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price
tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets to Paris for us, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband (Rich As Hell & Free!)
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem!
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good
wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the
last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
Last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your TV
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Wife
Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!
Reply:
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
and I have been married for 20 years, although a good Woman is a far
cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
& bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more. I DID notice when you
got a new hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look
just like a boy!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment... and when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten
prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price
tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets to Paris for us, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Husband (Rich As Hell & Free!)
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem!
- Aug 30, 2014
- 15,640
- 22,142
Now THAT was not just funny.... It was freaking hilarious.... Made my morning coffee comeout my nose.... 
New C5er
Power User
HOW DO COURT STENOGRAPHERS KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE?.
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
- Aug 30, 2014
- 15,640
- 22,142
Ok.... lets release a falcon 30 feel from a busy highway.... duh!
I like this one....
Politics -
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Politics -
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
LE BARON
Power User
New C5er
Power User
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME (Senior humour)
An elderly Lady, Andree called 911 on her mobile phone to report
that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
operator:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.."
He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
An elderly Lady, Andree called 911 on her mobile phone to report
that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
operator:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.."
He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
SEEMS EVERY SPECTATOR SPORT HAS ONE OF THESE HOOLIGANS ….
New C5er
Power User
'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says
'Let's go upstairs and make love'
And you answer:
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ....
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!