billy bob and the trooper.

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males , and the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass???”
 
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:Funnypost:




 
Those crows from Boston, tough to tell sometimes exactly what they are saying.:Biggrin:
 
Black 03 Z06 said:
Those crows from Boston, tough to tell sometimes exactly what they are saying.:Biggrin:
Click to expand...
hahaha....I had an Aunt that grew up and lived in Boston and New York most of her life. I remember visiting her a number of times and was always in awe by the way she talked.... She was also a bit of an old crow (rest her soul) and she pronounced the word car exactly like the crow as well..... Cah! Cah! :Ack2:
 
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.

"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.




But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"



After several seconds of quiet,

a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:

"Wedding Cake?"
 
Riley P said:
Hahaha. I seem to still have indigestion from that dessert. :p
Click to expand...

hehe.... Murray..... you may have started a theme trend here......

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
Very good Eric. A trend indeed.:cool:
 
You make me laugh Eric. That was a good one.:thumbs:
 
Hahaha.

A couple more:

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
 
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It has been too long since any additions were made. So here goes.

Sex after Death!!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform them if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion ... "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Milton.”
 
Black 03 Z06 said:
It has been too long since any additions were made. So here goes.

Sex after Death!!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform them if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion ... "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Milton.”
Click to expand...
Unfortunately Murray, I can't give you more than one like for that one. I had a total clusterfk first day back and that joke made my day and my smile. Ty mgf....
 
Well it is Fathers Day coming up and a thought a few would spend the day playing a round. With that in mind here a some interesting thoughts on the game of golf by some of the best. Enjoy the day guys.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.


~ Sam Snead


I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.


~ George Brett


Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.


~ Jim Murray


The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.


~ Mickey Mantle


Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.


~ Kevin Costner


I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.


~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.


~ Chi Chi Rodriguez


The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.


~ Brian Weis


Swing hard in case you hit it.


~ Dan Marino


My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.


~ Lord Robertson


Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.


~ Jack Benny


There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.


~ Ben Hogan


Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.


~ Jack Nicklaus<


The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.


~ H G Wells


I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.


~ Billy Graham


If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.


~ Bob Hope


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.


~ Henny Youngman


If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.


~ Jack Lemmon


You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.


~ Lee Trevino


I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.


~ Lee Trevino
 

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