billy bob and the trooper.

[Black 03 Z06]

He had it all!!

I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"




"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was paroled.”

 

[Rruuff Day]

A lot of people do not understand the purpose of a rear wing on vehicles. We try to explain the physics but unless they are so inclined to understand aerodynamics, it is still difficult to convince them that they are more than just a decoration... Hopefully this will help...

 

[Rruuff Day]

Wow.... over a month since a new joke or post....can't let that go by....Here's one Brenda just shared with me....

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?......

A fart that sticks to the roof of your A$$!




Oh Oh! Has there ever been a Mod banned before?

 

[Nik]

Wow.... over a month since a new joke or post....can't let that go by....Here's one Brenda just shared with me....

What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?......

A fart that sticks to the roof of your A$$!




Oh Oh! Has there ever been a Mod banned before?

Not yet Eric..... Not yet.

 

[Black 03 Z06]

Ah. A morning smile while burning a Moderator at the Stake. Glorious morning indeed.

Thanks Brenda.

 

[Rruuff Day]

Lol.... I do have a bit of a trend-setter reputation...

 

[Black 03 Z06]

Friday Night Funny

How I Nearly Became a doctor
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School . One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters "PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes by email.

 

[Rruuff Day]

Now that was a gooder!

 

[New C5er]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,



'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

 

[Malcolm]

For real?

 

[Rruuff Day]

I heard it happened at the Walmart in Walton.... or was it the Kennetcook Walmart... Can't remember... ...

 

[New C5er]

That post was all your fault Rruff. The old saying,..... You ask, therefore you receiveth.

 

[YFCvii]

Trump is focusing on drugs and illegal immigration and will build his wall on the Southern Border, making it very tall with no openings, nothing will get in !
With that resolved, Trump will focus on ISIS and continue that wall along the Eastern Coast, making it very tall with no openings, nothing will get in !
Then with that resolved Trump will obviously then focus on China Imports and here comes the wall along the West Coast, making it very tall with no openings, nothing will get in!
While all this is all going on, all the people within the US get more and more frustrated.
Trudeau in Canada tells all those in the US not to worry and just come up here, bring everything with you because everything gets in!
As all these walls are completed, everyone in the US eventually gets upset and worried and decides to come to Canada.
They bring absolutely everything with them (Corvettes too)!
Trudeau welcomes each one of them to Canada, assures them all that even though these walls are built very tall with no openings and that nothing will get in, not to worry!
Meanwhile Trump is absolutely thrilled and very comfortable knowing that even though he is the only person left in the US, he can boast at his success with his very tall walls with no openings and that nothing can get in!
Trump wakes one day and to his delight Canada has paid for and completes the tall wall so that it encompasses the boundary with the exact same specifications.
All the people from the US who are now all in Canada feel duped and are very upset. Their land is now completely wrapped by a very tall wall with no openings and nothing can get in!
Trudeau reassures the US people that they are not to worry and ... he fills it with water .... !
.. So don't Worry Trudeau says "Just come to Canada eh!"

 

[Rruuff Day]

Hey C5... It was Malcolm that asked... I just gave him a reasonable answer....lol...

 

[New C5er]

Sign on the back of a septic tank truck...

This truck is carrying politicians promises.....

 

[Black 03 Z06]

Truth in advertising C5er.

 

[New C5er]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If
women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children Are Quick...
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child!)
______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________________________ ____
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current political conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off




--

 

[Black 03 Z06]

A few laughs for a Sunday morning. Thanks.

 

[New C5er]

This is what technology will do to us humans very soon!

http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-476a-9504-07dd4e2f6509

 

[Black 03 Z06]

We may laugh, but her I.D. is safe.

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento”



When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled here eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital”