billy bob and the trooper.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE

IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.


SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR

ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE

BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M

BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M

STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND

TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A

BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS

IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE

WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE

REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,

I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT

HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY

SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO

ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO

REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?

I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A

BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER

EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND

GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T

GOING TO TORONTO."
 
Rruuff Day said:
You realize somewhere there are a group of Blondes sharing jokes about Corvette owners...... :Banghead:
Click to expand...
You bet there is however you do realize that it is different from our group because everything always comes to a hault when they realize that at least one of them has to make a guess and they all have to remember the one who is suppose to know the funny part ... :angelic:

geez ... my 300th message ... and it's come down to a blonde joke :facepalm:
 
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A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy,
God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to

her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy,

and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the

clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
 
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?



No sir, it's Google's Pizza.



Did I dial the wrong number?



No sir, Google bought the pizza store.



Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.



Okay sir, do you want the usual?



The usual? You know what my usual is?



According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered

a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.



Okay - that’s what I want this time too.



May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice

with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?



No, I hate vegetables.



But your cholesterol is not good.


How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results

of your blood tests for the last 7 years.



Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I

already take medicine for high cholesterol.



But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly.

4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network

a box of only 30 tablets.



I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you

did not withdraw that much cash.


I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form,

unless you got it from an undeclared income source.



WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH!

I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp.

I'm going to an island without internet, where there is

no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ….

…………………………………………………...

I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your

passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago.
 
Black 03 Z06 said:
Scary how close to the truth this probably is.
Click to expand...

Close to the truth Murray?.... I don't think close even begins to describe... For those that have never read Nineteen Eighty Four by George Orwell, It is a great book and a great look into the future....considering it was written in 1949....
 
You know Eric now that you brought it up I think I will go back and read that book again. I first read it many years ago so maybe it is time to revisit it.

By the way Eric according to google one of the lug nuts on your right rear wheel is only torqued to 82.527 pounds and requires immediate attention for the safety of the operator and passenger.

Have a nice day.:thumbs:
 
Me as well Murray... I was just thinking the same thing. My closest guess would be I read it about 45 years ago...lol... But be careful please.If you order it on-line, you may end up on a government watch list somewhere as a possible insurgent and enemy of the state..... hmmmm.... speaking of Big Brother.....
 
Fred, why don't you just Google it???:cool:

I have to search through my book boxes but I am on a mission now to find the copy I have. I will start with the box that has some odd glowing light in it.
 
12cents said:
To be quite honest I think that is pretty close to truth these days. George Orwell's predictions have more or less come true in one form or another.
BTW, do tinfoil hats come in any other colour?
Click to expand...

Actually Fred, tinfoil doesn't come in any other colour but I have found that if you paint your hat with lead based chinese paint, you can pick your colour AND get added shielding ..... :greyalien:
 
HOW DO COURT STENOGRAPHERS KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE?.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people
actually said in court, ord for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
New C5er you are single handily keeping this thread alive.:Biggrin:

Some humorous exchanges indeed.:thumbs:
 
A morning smile.

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"


The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.

What's the name and room number of the patient?"


The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."


The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."


After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."


The grandmother said, “Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."


The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"


The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."
 

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