- Thread starter
- #621
i went to a psychiatrist wearing nothing but saran wrap. he looked at me and said "well, i can clearly see yer nuts".
billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
Oh my, you just cracked me up Doug.......and that's good medicine.
Come to think of it the last time I went for some help the shrink inferred the same thing to me, tho I had no Saran Wrap on.
I'm glad to see that I've got lot of company.
C.
Come to think of it the last time I went for some help the shrink inferred the same thing to me, tho I had no Saran Wrap on.
I'm glad to see that I've got lot of company.
C.
The Mountain Man isn't getting any better with age. Poor Helen. 
From a certain friend on the 'wet coast':
----------------------------------------------------------
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
:----------------------------------------------------------
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what
street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in
the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central
part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.
So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy
Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so
did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his
head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
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Thumbs up for that one Colin.
Guiness does it to people every time. 
- Thread starter
- #628
me dear old grandad worked at guiness but tragically fell in a vat and drowned. the inquest ruled that when the end came he had minimal suffering as he was able to get out three times for a pee.
I think some ou you have to much spare time
Winter had better end right away. We just can't take it any more.
George Carlin
Some wisdom from a really great comedian whom I had the privilege of seeing live once in the 70's.
Enjoy it and enjoy "the ride".....
________________________________________
Enjoy the ride. There is no return ticket.
George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you'rePUSHING40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50, and your dreams are gone....
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30,PUSH 40, REACH 50, and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens.. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND, ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And, if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally used up and worn out, shouting
"...man, what a ride!"
C.
Some wisdom from a really great comedian whom I had the privilege of seeing live once in the 70's.
Enjoy it and enjoy "the ride".....
________________________________________
Enjoy the ride. There is no return ticket.
George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you'rePUSHING40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50, and your dreams are gone....
But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30,PUSH 40, REACH 50, and make it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens.. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND, ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And, if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally used up and worn out, shouting
"...man, what a ride!"
C.
Q) How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
A)"Please get out of the Swimming Pool."
Q)How do you get a Canadian to Apologize?
A) Step on their foot
Q) How do you spot a Canadian Abroad?
A) They're the ones thanking the ATM machine.
Q) What did the Albertan ask the tour guide at the Eiffel Tower?
A) How many barrels a day does it produce?
Pope Joke:
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel and stomps the gas! He hits 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
A)"Please get out of the Swimming Pool."
Q)How do you get a Canadian to Apologize?
A) Step on their foot
Q) How do you spot a Canadian Abroad?
A) They're the ones thanking the ATM machine.
Q) What did the Albertan ask the tour guide at the Eiffel Tower?
A) How many barrels a day does it produce?
Pope Joke:
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel and stomps the gas! He hits 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera.
In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills.
Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.
A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"
A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.
A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"
In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills.
Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.
A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense. "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out.
Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs. "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"
A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred.
A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"
For those thinking of retirement:.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which Twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' (EMT’s were called.)
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; ‘OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, “Where is the fitting room?”
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
*********************************************
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Walmart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which Twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' (EMT’s were called.)
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; ‘OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked, “Where is the fitting room?”
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
*********************************************
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Another Little Johnny Story
Teacher…If I gave you 2 cats and then 2 more and then another 2 how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny…..7 sir
Teacher……Let me ask again. I give you 2 then another 2 then another two how many cats would you have then?
Little Johnny……7 sir
Frustrated Teacher…..Ok if I give you 2 oranges then 2 more and another two how many oranges would you have?
Little Johnny…….6 sir
Teacher……Good now you are getting it. So if I gave you 2 cats and 2 more then another 2 how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny……7 sir.
Teacher now beside himself with anger…..How can you have 7?
Equally frustrated and angry Johnny……Because I already have a f..king cat. So 7 it would be.
Teacher…If I gave you 2 cats and then 2 more and then another 2 how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny…..7 sir
Teacher……Let me ask again. I give you 2 then another 2 then another two how many cats would you have then?
Little Johnny……7 sir
Frustrated Teacher…..Ok if I give you 2 oranges then 2 more and another two how many oranges would you have?
Little Johnny…….6 sir
Teacher……Good now you are getting it. So if I gave you 2 cats and 2 more then another 2 how many cats would you have?
Little Johnny……7 sir.
Teacher now beside himself with anger…..How can you have 7?
Equally frustrated and angry Johnny……Because I already have a f..king cat. So 7 it would be.
lol, good one Murray.
Hahaha. That one made me laugh, I had to go tell that to my co-worker.
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Read an article by a leading health researcher this morning. His research has shown that having sex burns as many calories as running 8 miles. I wonder who can run 8 miles in 15 seconds???
Hahaha. I was wondering the same thing.
One question though, if you take matters into your own hands, is that like running 8 miles on a treadmill?
One question though, if you take matters into your own hands, is that like running 8 miles on a treadmill?
This is too good to not share -- sent to a few of you but have to share with everyone:
The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one.
Something to ponder ... but, worth a broad smile !
Amazing, but true, if you think about it! The importance of accuracy in your tax return,
The CRA has returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he
apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, .. "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"
The man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers,80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'
The CRA stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to CRA was, ... "Who did I leave out ?"
The Canadian Revenue Agency actually commented on this one.
Something to ponder ... but, worth a broad smile !
Amazing, but true, if you think about it! The importance of accuracy in your tax return,
The CRA has returned the Tax Return to a man in Canada after he
apparently answered one of the questions.
In response to the question, .. "Do you have anyone dependent on you?"
The man wrote: ... "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million
crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers,80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'
The CRA stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.
The man's response back to CRA was, ... "Who did I leave out ?"