billy bob and the trooper.

Once every three years, there is an international competition in horticultural sculpture, called "mosaiculture," in a major city in the world. This year it is Montreal. This is not topiary but rather creating sculptures out of living plants. The greatest horticulturalists in the world, from 20 different countries, submitted plans a year in advance. Steel armatures were then created to support the works (some 40 feet high); they were then wrapped in steel mesh and filled with dirt and moss and watering hoses. Then they ordered 3 million plants of different shades of green and brown and tan, and these were grown in greenhouses all over Quebec. In late May, these horticulturalists came to Montreal and planted all of their plants in the forms at the Montreal Botanic Gardens, and they have been standing for three months now. There were 50 major sculptures along a path two miles long. They were incredible. If you would like to visit a few and walk along the path with me, click on
>


My Virtual Garden: Mosaiculture Exhibition
 
Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not given credit for.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son

in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him

to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out...

"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too
 
Good one Al .. here's another for you:
Colin.



FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.


2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.


3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE NAUGHTY GIRLS LIVE.


5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?


8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?


15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?


18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?


20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.


22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?


24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?


27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?


29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?


30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?


33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
 
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN




The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?




Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

NO LOOKING NOW!!!!!!
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy....That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, Marc h 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

'Run, Forrest, Run.'
 
Found this in a pile of papers and stuff I have been keeping around for YEARS. I figure if I type it out and immortalize it on the forum, I can throw the papers away and have one less thing to move around. :D

20 ways to annoy your public bathroom stall-mate:

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody break the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the towlet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now, how did that get in there?"

9. Say, "Humus, reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask of Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neibours while yelling, "Whoa, easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting...............more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad o toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbour, then say, "Whoops, can you kick that back over here?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hands over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit sound while squeezing the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize and blame it on the fettuccine Alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little small. Now what am I going to do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "cross-dressers anonymous" newsletter on the floor beside the next stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, once it is adjusted to see your neighbour, say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

You know, after typing this out.......I think the only one I would probably do is the maggot, and humus. :D
 
Now Riley, does you have the "cheek" to pull off any of the others?. They would be hilarious to do.
Al...
 
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Thanks for the correction!.....stupid Youtube......and young kids that try to rely on the internet for answers..... :D
 

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