That's what I do every morning when I get out of bed!
billy bob and the trooper.
- Thread starter buckhorn76
- Start date
Wid west fun............By the way, anything that I post in this thread are hand me downs from some very weird friends.
Animal Prank with a deer - YouTube
Animal Prank with a deer - YouTube
- Thread starter
- #103
what do you get if you mix vodka with milk of magnesia ? .......a philips screwdriver !!!
theboss
Power User
we do our best boss, ain't this a great forum ? !!!
I can tell you that you are doing a terrific job at it. Laughing is keeping us young, lets make those years roll back
Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Fred didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Fred really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Fred didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Fred approached the park and--
lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her.
What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I
was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Fred didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Fred really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Fred didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Fred figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Fred approached the park and--
lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Fred was very excited and happy to see him
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her.
What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I
was rich and she filed rape charges
against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Yes! It Was Said!
"America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling
is real but the moon landing was faked."
David Letterman
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes
"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box."
Italian proverb
"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years."
May West
"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats."
Jean Kerr
"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!"
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."
Jeff Foxworthy
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
Prince Philip
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
Emo Philips.
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself."
Harrison Ford
"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke."
Robin Hall
"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror."
Jean Rostand.
"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million"
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea."
W.H. Auden
"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."
Jonathan Katz
"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
Arthur C. Clarke
"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap."
Steve Martin
"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is."
Jimmy Durante
"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."
John Glenn
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?"
Steven Wright
"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric."
Doug Hamwell
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there."
George Roberts
"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!"
Jonathan Winters
"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
Robert Benchley.
"America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling
is real but the moon landing was faked."
David Letterman
"I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire."
Howard Hughes
"After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box."
Italian proverb
"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for years."
May West
"The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats."
Jean Kerr
"I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage!"
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't."
Jeff Foxworthy
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
Prince Philip
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
Emo Philips.
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself."
Harrison Ford
"The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke."
Robin Hall
"Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror."
Jean Rostand.
"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million"
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea."
W.H. Auden
"In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked."
Jonathan Katz
"If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson
"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical."
Arthur C. Clarke
"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap."
Steve Martin
"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is."
Jimmy Durante
"As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."
John Glenn
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?"
Steven Wright
"America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric."
Doug Hamwell
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone who's there."
George Roberts
"If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport!"
Jonathan Winters
"I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it."
Robert Benchley.
.....there's so many in that one -- but:
going bald Cop part -- "tell me if anyone steals anything"... Buck: " someone stole your hair"...
To miss Budwieser '72: ......"I'll do you up right, baby; Once you go Buck you never go back......."
Al, you've outdone yourself .......and I haven't got to the posts after that one either..........
Actually it's a good way to wake up ..... laughing like mad ....
I hope they have internet in the home. I'm pretty sure I'm on my way there.
Got a hunch I'll see some familiar faces...
C.
Spike Milligan took me here for a sampling of his awesome humour -- and what is number one of his list of quotes?: the only one I can't understand. Someone please help.
---------------------------------------
"sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it."
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
"Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions."
"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"I'm a hero with coward's legs."
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"It's all in the mind, you know."
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
---------------------------------------
"sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it."
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
"Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions."
"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"I'm a hero with coward's legs."
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife."
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"It's all in the mind, you know."
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
5 minutes of hillarity
worth a watch:
Magic Clerk - Easter Edition: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - YouTube
worth a watch:Magic Clerk - Easter Edition: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - YouTube
Colin that Jay Leno one was hilarious,thanks....
As they say Collin..one born every minute....
Great way to start a Monday!
How about some puns.......These may be some of Henney Youngman's:
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the cr
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the cr
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.
There's 3 images here all the same but in different formats. You may find one better than the other -- they all look fuzzy to me but to me it was worth a try since 'The Living Will' will put a smile on yer face -- (if you can read it).
Give it a try -- it'll be worth getting the 'glass' out for:
C.
Give it a try -- it'll be worth getting the 'glass' out for:
C.
dog logic
For the dog lovers in the crowd:
Dog Logic
[]The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue.
-Anonymous
[]There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
[]A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
[]The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
[]Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who bite their friends and enemies alike. Anonymous
[]Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
[]If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
[]My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
[]Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
[]If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
[]Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
[]If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
For the dog lovers in the crowd:
Dog Logic
[]The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead
of his tongue.
-Anonymous
[]There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
[]A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings
[]The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
[]Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people,
who bite their friends and enemies alike. Anonymous
[]Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones
[]If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown
[]My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
[]Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
[]If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
[]Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
[]If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
- Thread starter
- #117
your dog is the only being on the planet that treats you like you're the beatles when you come home.
In fact; your dog will love you more than your wife: Here is the proof :
Lock both your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour or so; then open the trunk and see which one is glad to see you !
Hahaha! Love the comment about dogs not being able to count!
- Thread starter
- #120
we'ed have some trouble if dogs had opposable thumbs !!!