billy bob and the trooper.

Yup.
 

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I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TRACTOR SUPPLY.. Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog's food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog? What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear end and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tractor Supply. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.
 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that old hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew that he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured that he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat on the way out".

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about "Thou Shalt Not Steal", ya decided you would rather do without your hat, than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "Well no, Father, after ya talked about "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"....I remembered where I left me hat."

 
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo —
she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said,
"Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,
I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said.
"Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later,
the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.

I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood
to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.​
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