billy bob and the trooper.

First Time Sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
hear about the sneaky translator ?.........ah yes, a cunning linguist !!! :rofl:

a dwarf fortune teller escaped police custody. the a.p.b. said.....small medium at large !!! :rofl:
 
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper
 
appropriate for today.

why did the snowman get excited ? - he heard the snowblower was coming !!!

difference between snowmen and snow women ? - snow balls !!!

oldies but goodies :D
 
something to ponder.

if a snowman has pebbles for eyes and a carrot for a nose, what does he have for....................? :confused:
 
A Somalian arrives in Vancouver,Canada
as an immigrant.
He stops the first person he sees walking
down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr.Canada for letting me
in this country, giving me housing,
money for food,
free medical care, free education
and no taxes!'
The passer by says,
'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!'
The man goes on and encounters
another passer by.
'Thank you for having such beautiful
country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Iraqi!'
The new arrival walks further and
the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says,
'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !
'That person puts up his hand and says,
'I am from Pakistan , I am not from Canada !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
'Are you a Canadian?'
She says, 'No, I am from India !'
Puzzled, he asks her,
'Where are all the Canadians ?'

The Indian lady checks her watch
and says ...


'Probably at work'.




Hopefully this is not taken to be Politically Incorrect......"The truth shall out".
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
 
ACTUAL LETTER FROM A NEWFOUNDLANDER RENEWING HIS PASSPORT....A MUST READ!




ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!


John Tucker
St Johns Nl
Canada

This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport
Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed
for the past 30 years. It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-f#$@^%-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullsh*t! You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my f*cking address!!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f%^$#@^g people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another f$#@^%g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the %^$#*&n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f^($#*7n' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F^%$#&^G PAKISTAN
 
:rofl: that is absolutely priceless !!! :rofl: that guy has nailed the frustrations most of us feel about bureaucrats. hilarious, it should be required reading. this man deserves a medal. :rofl:
 

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