The Mistress

CaledoniaBrian

CaledoniaBrian

Power User
2 You're 10
Nov 14, 2011
1,276
38
Jarvis Ontario
VetteCoins
526
Car
1988 Convertable
The Mistress

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette
walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband,
and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you
want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs,
your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman
nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he
with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
:rofl:

That will be my last post of 2013. hope you enjoyed, and wishing everyone a great New Year.
 
i thought i'd run that by helen. she said "i really want you to put some thought into this, so, you won't see me for a week to think it over". and sure enough.......it was a full 7 days before the swelling went down enough for me to open one eye !!! :rofl: happy new year :D
 
Just to keep it car related at least: here is my first post for 2014; Happy new year everyone:
Enjoy

"He Can Drive"
There was this guy sitting on a park bench
muttering to himself and spitting. He would
mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then
spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then
spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"...
then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him,
"What's going on here? You keep saying,
"Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand
new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if
I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not?
He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains.
After we have lunch, we start back down the
mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping
the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up
speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're
going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on
the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the
dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do
something!! We're going about 90 mph now,
with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on
the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our
butts, and an overturned motor home right in front
of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were
gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy,
if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best
damn blow job you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "DAMN, THAT S0N OF
A B*TCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
 
Well to add to the new years festivities, I'm not sure if this joke is actually funny or just funny because it reminds me of my uncle. It's about a woman at the grocery store.

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated--'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied-- 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
Riley P said:
Well to add to the new years festivities, I'm not sure if this joke is actually funny or just funny because it reminds me of my uncle. It's about a woman at the grocery store.

NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK!

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated--'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied-- 'Cause you're ugly.'
Click to expand...

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
 
The first joke, I have to admit, isn't as great as the rest of the jokes. I guess it is because I can't possibly relate to the idea because no matter what money I had my wife would not respond with "ours is cuter." I would be lucky if my wife responded with anything other than a knife in the throat. The second joke about the car that had the brakes go out was hilarious. I nearly pissed myself laughing at it. Reminds me to be mindful of exactly what I allow to fly out of my mouth no matter what situation I may find myself in.
 
CaledoniaBrian said:
The Mistress

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette
walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband,
and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you
want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs,
your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman
nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he
with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
Click to expand...

:rofl:


That was a really good one. I had a good laugh over this.
 
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