billy bob and the trooper.

New C5er said:

FYI -
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster
while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I
didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin
on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.

In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine,
no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan
was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn't say
anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to
........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together, and now the ice
machine told me not to have a meltdown as it doesn't help!

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rockitman said:

Ok, I didn't want to say anything, but we really need to get out of the house and go cruising in our Corvettes. Soon, real soon.

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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.


A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes,
and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”


She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”


He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE….

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me!"

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy! You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I
just shot them both!” And he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire
trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and
caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

Don't mess with old people!

**********************
GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to
be taken for the rest of my life?”

"'Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering,
then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO
REFILLS’…."

***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?”

"Don't be nervous, son! Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with
you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.

------------------------------------------

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her… What does she look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What
does your wife look like? "

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, ...let's look for yours."

*********************

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Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last!
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidently touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched birds fight over worms. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.

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