The rate at which this otherwise humourous post has deteriorated is astonishing.
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Stranger things could happen.The rate at which this otherwise humourous post has deteriorated is astonishing.
- A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT IS THAT WHILE JEWS MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION,
THERE WAS A TIME, WHEN THEY MADE UP 50% OF THE FAMOUS COMEDIANS
(ACCORDING TO A UC BERKELEY PROFESSOR WHO STUDIES HUMOUR).
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill Comics of Vaudeville days:
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons,Totie Fields, Joey Bishop,Milton Berle, Jan Murray,Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman,Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar,Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce,George Burns, Allan Sherman,Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner,Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder,George Jessel, Alan King,Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers,Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield,Don Rickles, Jack BennyMansel Rubensteinand so many others.
There was not one single swear word in their comedy.Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip.I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands.If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"Patient: "I am 60!"Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A drunk was in front of a judge.The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?They're worth it.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women likeChinese food so much.The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelledbackward is Not Now.
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until itgraduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?""Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."The son said, "Why are you so weak?"She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled withfood if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a partin the play.She asks, "What part is it?"The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want aspeaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be anuisance to anybody."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on thestreet and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.""Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The lawyer was stunned.Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Murray. When did you grow a beard?
I wanna know when he's gonna lose the weight off his hips!Murray. When did you grow a beard?
hmmmm.... Unlike you, my focus wasn't on his hips....I wanna know when he's gonna lose the weight off his hips!
And then there is this: The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
That was so good I had to read it twice.... errrrr.... What?.... lol